There’s a moment that happens as you get older—usually quietly—when all the scattered lessons you’ve picked up stop living as individual ideas and start snapping together.
Not as answers.
As patterns.
Last night, that happened for me over a vodka tonic and an unexpectedly good conversation.
It wasn’t loud or dramatic. It was just…clear.
A concept my mentor John King (Author of Tribal Leadership a NY Times & Amazon Top 10 Best Seller) introduced to me years ago finally completed itself in my head:
Relationships evolve—or they break when we force them not to.
The Framework I Didn’t Understand (At First)
Years back, John walked me through what he called the three types of relationships. At the time, I understood them intellectually—but not emotionally. That gap cost me more than I realized.
Here’s how he explained them.
Utilitarian Relationships
Transactional. Necessary. Clear.
“I do this, you do that.”
Most business relationships live here. Client/vendor. Contractor/customer. There’s nothing wrong with this type of relationship—it exists to solve a problem, not fulfill a soul.
Relationships of Pleasure
Built on common interests.
Golf buddies. Industry friends. Hobby crews. Happy-hour people.
These relationships are fun, energizing, and often misunderstood. They’re real—but they’re not deep by default.
Relationships of Character
Rare. Earned. Chosen.
These are the people who don’t just enjoy life with you—they walk through it with you. Built on trust, empathy, integrity, and shared growth. These relationships take time, sacrifice, and mutual intent.
They’re not accidental.
Where I Got It Wrong
Here’s the uncomfortable part.
I didn’t struggle because I didn’t understand relationships.
I struggled because I misclassified them.
I grew up craving deep connection. So when I met someone new, I subconsciously treated every relationship as if it should become a Relationship of Character.
I over-invested.
I over-expected.
I overreached.
And when people didn’t meet me there—when they stayed utilitarian or pleasure-based—I felt disappointed, confused, sometimes hurt.
John was blunt when he explained it to me:
“That pain? That’s not on them. That’s on you.”
I was assigning expectations without agreement. Trying to force evolution before the relationship had earned it.
Then Everything Stopped
COVID hit.
Relationships paused.
The noise disappeared.
And in the silence, something became obvious: some connections faded effortlessly, others survived intentionally.
That wasn’t failure.
That was sorting.
When life reopened, I reentered relationships differently—more observant, more patient, more honest about motives. Not guarded…just accurate.
That’s when the missing insight finally landed.
Relationships Aren’t Fixed—They’re Sequential
Standing in the shower later that night, I mentally replayed every meaningful relationship in my life.
And there it was.
Every one of them evolved.
A need →
A shared interest →
Mutual care
Utilitarian → Pleasure → Character
Not forced.
Not rushed.
Just earned.
Even my closest friendships.
Even my business partnerships.
Even my marriage.
That’s not a flaw in relationships.
That’s the design.
A Real Example
My best friend, Ryan, and I didn’t meet through destiny or deep alignment.
We met because I wanted guy interaction at lunch.
I spotted him at his desk at NAU and—without thinking—said,
“Hey, you’re coming to lunch with us.”
That was it.
At first, it was purely utilitarian: I needed connection. He complied.
Lunch turned into laughter.
Laughter turned into shared experiences.
Shared experiences turned into trust.
Fast forward three decades, and I’d take a bullet for him.
That relationship wasn’t declared.
It evolved.
The Lesson That Finally Stuck
For a long time, utilitarian relationships bothered me. They felt cold. Limited. Almost disappointing.
Now I see them differently.
They’re not inferior.
They’re foundational.
Every relationship has a rightfult role. Some will stay exactly where they are—and that’s healthy. Others will grow, if both people invest intentionally.
Problems don’t come from relationship types.
They come from misalignment of expectations.
A Better Way to Look at Your Relationships
So here’s the real question—not for reflection, but for clarity:
Which relationships in your life are utilitarian, pleasure-based, or character-driven?
Are you allowing them to evolve naturally?
Or are you forcing depth where there’s no agreement to go deeper?
Understanding this doesn’t make you colder.
It makes you cleaner.
And clean relationships—clear, honest, properly classified—are the ones that last.
All that clarity…
From one solid conversation and a vodka tonic.
Sometimes wisdom doesn’t arrive as lightning. Sometimes it just quietly clicks into place.